Friday February 1, 2019

11:20 am

Have you ever noticed that the Quaker Oats guy looks just a little too happy, for a quaker anyway. I thought they were notoriously grumpy folk, but the guy on the package looks like he just won free tickets to Disney World, or maybe something more nefarious is in play. Don’t blame me, the Rage is suspicious of everyone. Anyway, it was just an observation. Here’s another one. When the Rage is on vacation, leave him the hell alone. The dude almost never gets any good vacation time so when I took my family out on the water for a few days of relaxation, I didn’t expect to have him over for dinner.

He showed up just in time for desert, at the exact same time the boat full of heavily armed thugs was coming to ruin our vacation. There we were, minding our own business when this collection of dick cheese came to ruin it. I’m pretty sure they are regretting that decision, at least the one we left alive.

D has been spending a good bit of time with Dead and Lee, and while I am not a fan of firearms, sometimes they have their place. Not for me, I have the Rage, but D developed some real skill with his rifle. 2 quick shots into the engine compartment and the plume of smoke rising from the boat ensured they would be going nowhere quickly. Then, to add gas to the fire, 2 of the men started firing automatic weapons at us. My daughter and my lady are on board. That was the exact wrong move. When their heads disintegrated in front of their cohorts, the others seemed to understand that it was not a good move on their part and they quickly threw down their weapons. Turns out, that was the only smart thing they did.

We took our dinghy over to find out the size of the coffee can their ashes would fit into and when we gently asked details of their operation, they were reluctant to offer up any details. The Rage was fully awake from his very short nap so I let him have a little chat with the 3 men that were left. He asked the first man, the obvious leader from his posturing and blatant disregard for proper manners, and the man made a rude comment about what he was going to do to our ladies. The Rage took offense. He gagged the man, after delivering a crushing face punch, and then he put a life jacket on him and secured his hands behind his back. He instructed the other 2 men to throw the 2 dead bodies overboard and asked again the details of their organization. The other 2 men were still mute on the subject so when the first fin came slicing through the water, the Rage pushed the leader overboard. Either this guy was not a good swimmer, or he had an allergic reaction to the movie Jaws. I love that movie! He didn’t.

Sharks are remarkably efficient at taking out the trash. In less than 3 minutes, there was only the pink hue to the water around the boat and a couple of patches of life jacket, nothing else remained. Our finned friends did not seem sated yet so we asked the 2 remaining men the details of their outfit. Neither spoke up at first, until I told them that the one who gave up the details would live. They looked at each other and one was shaking his head no so the Rage threw him overboard. He started swimming like Michael Phelps on crack, but you know who’s quicker….

We got the info I wanted out of the last man and true to our word, we left him alive. Kind of. He was set adrift in his disabled boat, no electronics, food, or water. But alive nonetheless. After a WAY too short vacation, we are going to back to work…

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