Friday January 18, 2019

8:25 pm

David met Goliath and this time, Goliath won. Ok, I’m sure by now you know that Goliath is the Rage, but it just works with the name so go with it. Before we get into all that though, I wanted to let you know that I met Edward. As is our motis opprandi, we were not looking for a volunteer, he just had an overwhelming urge to meet the Rage. You will also be sad to know that another bird is going to be going extinct. Don’t fret though, this particular bird did nothing productive in its life so it will not be missed….except by Edward.

In this particular state that Edward chose to apply for euthanasia, you can make a right turn at a stop light UNLESS it is marked No Turn On Red. This particular light did not have said sign, but Edward chose to act as though it did. An entire light cycle passed while a line of cars waited impatiently behind Edward, sharing their displeasure with a symphony of car horns. The Rage is a lover of music, but he was not a fan of that song. Even less so when the above mentioned bird came along to assume the conductor’s role. The really really ironic part of the tale is that we followed him to the next light which had just turned from yellow to red… and then he sped through the red light. Huh, that’s one way to handle it. We had him on the surveillance footage so we let him go on his not so merry way. The way he was driving, someone may beat the Rage to the punch. That would be unfortunate because the Rage loves a good punch and he has visions of gifting a dozen to Edward. We will let you know what happens, our research is underway to see if Van Halen needs a new lead guitarist or not…..Come on, you have to get that one. Panama, Eddie Van Halen….forget it, go back to Selena.

David will not be going back…. Anywhere. As I told you before, David had to die of unfortunate natural causes. With the widespread obesity in our country, I am sure most of you are familiar, at least somewhat, with diabetes. It affects millions of people, including our not so dearly departed. Most people with the disease can live a normal life by monitoring and controlling their insulin intake. Sometimes, mistakes happen and one might overdose on the insulin, forgetting about a prior injection, injecting too much of the drug, or in rare cases, a synthetic highly potent mixture of insulin gets absorbed through the skin causing severe hypoglycemia and in some cases, death. Those are the ones Dr Rage likes to read about. He is a scholarly fellow so he is always studying. This particular variation of the chemical dissipates shortly after death so there is nothing showing anything suspicious on a blood panel. The seizures, convulsions, and eventual unconsciousness and death are very real though.

We applied some of the material on David’s steering wheel and even though it was cold outside (still trying to find me?), David didn’t need gloves because the ridiculously expensive car his greed paid for had a heated steering wheel. A pair of gloves would have saved thousands of dollars and David’s life, for a short while anyway, but David’s greed turned its ugly face toward him in the end and contributed to his death. We were following David and very shortly into his commute, his driving became erratic. He started swerving out of his lane and when he came to a stop light at the top of a hill, his car continued on through and down the hill, eventually running straight into the side of a fuel truck passing through the intersection from his left to right. The driver of the truck was unharmed and able to get out of the truck, but the fuel leaking out onto the hood of David’s car eventually ignited and don’t you know, the Rage forgot his marshmallows. One crispy crook later, we had completed our mission and were returning home, triumphant. That’s when we met Eddie. The Rage is hoping Edward is worth his attention because he has visions of roasting his mallows in Edwards lap.   

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