1:15 pm
Did you know that the average person sleeps 24 years during the course of their life, that is a lot of time to let Simon stand in your bedroom staring at you. Case in point, I made a housecall to Foxtrot. I wanted to see if that “reformed?” dickbag was behaving. There was no sign of gambling and I also verified that he had attended his GA meetings and has already signed up to volunteer at an event in a week. The rage was not happy, but he is encouraged that there is a possibility of intelligent life on this planet, a possibility. When they woke the next morning, Foxtrot had a nice little piece of Simon stationary on his nightstand that said “You have not disappointed, see that you don’t.” I had also taken a Sharpie and drew a circle with a line through it on his right middle finger. Do you think he understands that one?? I left Fox a red rose and a diamond bracelet. What, I had one laying around and she is one of the coolest women I have almost met. She’s stuck with Foxtrot, give her a break.
Our Hotel candidates will not be getting a diamond bracelet. Let’s check in with our four lucky prospects. Hotel #1 responded to his email: “I am so sorry, please forgive me. I will NEVER text again while I am driving.” Obviously a reader, dare I say fan? Probably not. I would guess if he were constipated before he got that email, he isn’t any longer. Hotel #2, “I’m not sure who this is, but you are right. It was self centered and completely dangerous. Thank you for helping me realize how dangerous my behavior is. I will not text and drive again and I think it is a good thing you are helping people stop doing stupid things.” There, was that so hard???? I feel like a proud parent when their child takes their first halting step, progress toward a bigger life. Or in Hotel #2’s case, A life.
Hotel #3 does not share the above two candidates position, “Fuck you retard, I just texted your mamma a picture of my junk”. I have never seen the rage so excited! We are going to meet Hotel #3, the rage has already picked out his arrows and I am pretty sure he mumbled something about compacting junk or something along those lines. Well, I know you can’t stand the excitement, let’s move on to Hotel #4’s response: he didn’t respond. Huh, I guess he was too busy texting his friends to bother responding to an innocuous email. You know there was only one thing to do right, the FBI needs someone to play with. Remember Charlie’s fingerprints and the DNA he was so willing to donate to the cause? Hotel #4 is riding around with the prints and DNA in his car. Probably should have checked his in box or, here’s a novel thought, NOT FUCKING TEXT AND DRIVE. I’m just saying. I have to email the FBI now so they can go make their introduction to Hotel #4, that should be a fun couple of weeks for him. But let’s not worry about ol #4, when #3 is queued up and ready to go! Full surveillance is underway and we should have a game plan tomorrow. I have to go buy another bow string, the rage wore out the last 2, he’s pretty excited.