3:15 pm
I hate the new Colonel, and don’t get the rage going, he thinks the guy is a child molester. We yearn for a simpler day and the real Colonel. Haven’t had decent chicken since they started using this poser. Why do they have to take a good idea and drive it into the dirt? Because there is nothing original anymore, or at least there wasn’t until the Hotel Hell Texting Lotto. Let me explain the process.
With the new surveillance technology, you don’t stand a chance. I took one day of driving, spent a total of 3 hours on the road and to give proper results for our research, we spent half the time on surface streets and the other half on the highway. The results are in and people are going to have to die painful deaths to make this madness stop. 40% of the drivers we surveilled in one day were either talking on their phone, holding it to their ear so they only have one arm driving a car they couldn’t manage properly with two, or they were frigging texting. I saw 4 different drivers driving with their knee so they could text with both hands. Hell, even I know there is a speech to text feature on the phones but these skidmarks are texting with both hands while driving a moving three thousand pound rocket. We found 4 candidates yearning to become Hotel within the first hour and a half. Originally, we were planning on using a lot of 8, 7 were going to get a Simon warning while the eighth was to have the privilege, neh, the honor of becoming Hotel, but we got bored and pissed off so four is all we could take before the rage wanted to get to stage 3. We haven’t even got to stage 2 yet.
It was easy to come up with email addresses for all 4 of our lucky contestants so I emailed all 4 of them with a subject line: Consequences. Text: Simon Sez those that text and drive must be punished. I sent each a photo showing their own transgression. Let’s see if these crabs infesting the hairy asscrack of humanity read the Rage or if they are going to end up as the rage’s new playmate.
Which brings me to the rage’s new hobby, archery. The rage likes archery. The precision, the skill, the hunt, the launching razorblades deeply into someone all the while imagining them texting while driving with their knees. Needless to say, it didn’t take the rage long to develop a level of prowess seldom seen in beginners and he is itching to give it a field test so let’s meet Hotel shall we. Stay tuned.