Tuesday March 6

5:55 pm

 

Where do I even begin, I have so much going on all at the same time. Let’s just start with Papa since he is what brought us here to begin with. We waited until Papa went out for the night. I installed a tracker on his car so if he goes anywhere near my peeps I can let them know and they can stay out of sight. While he was gone, we did some redecorating for him. We are quite considerate. I installed several micro cameras and the quality is even better than I had hoped. I found out that the particular snakes that I liberated for this project respond to a certain pheromone. I applied it liberally between the sheets of Papa’s bed and also sprayed some at each exit door. After Papa got home and went to bed, we snuck in about an hour later and put half the little squigglers upstairs and half downstairs to make sure Papa couldn’t easily get out of the house. For good measure, I left 2 more in his car in case he actually makes it out of the house and tries to flee by vehicle.

 

Mind you, I gave him fair warning to avoid all of this, he only had to stop being a dick. If our project has taught us anything though, it is that the dick gene is dominant so there is no stopping it. We continue to try but thus far our efforts have failed miserably. Does anyone really mind that I remove these human viruses from the planet? Really? I thought not.

 

The Rage and I had a bowl of popcorn and a chilly beer as we watched the feeds from our new cameras. I have never used cameras that have sound, but I thought it might be appropriate to use it in this application. Thankfully I trusted my instincts because the high pitched girly scream coming out of Papa was AWESOME! I can try to describe what it was like watching him but I had tears coming out my eyes so hard I couldn’t see half of the footage, I had to rewind it 3 times. Papa awoke with about 3 snakes crawling around him in his bed. I am pretty sure he wishes he would have wore a pair of boxers to bed or something…. Anyway, he finally got out of the bed and there were probably a half dozen more snakes on the floor of his bedroom and the hallway leading to the stairs. He is jumping up and down on his toes trying to get around and over them and down the stairs. He fell halfway down and rolled the rest of the way to the bottom. He was knocked out for a couple of seconds but the snake that crawled up and bit him on the cheek seemed to wake him from his stupor. Once he finished screaming again and removing the snake from his face, he made his way to the front door only to see there were several snakes curled up at the door, getting it on is a nice way to put it. Those pheremones are powerful!

 

I should make you wait for the rest of the story because it gets better, but that would be torture and you didn’t do anything wrong….did you? Anyway, Papa saw his car keys on the counter and in a deft move, he jumped over 2 snakes, grabbed his keys and ran to the backdoor. There was an even bigger snake orgy going on back there and Papa looked like he was ready to go down for the count but he regrouped, threw his living room window open and dove outside. I figured he might go this route so I had placed crushed glass under each of his windows. I like to party! Papa finally got to his feet, glass stuck all over him because it wasn’t a gentle dive out the window. He finally managed to limp to his car, jump in and start backing out of his driveway. He got about half way down his driveway when the driver’s door flies open and Papa rolls out of the moving car, still buck naked mind you. The car continued backward until it drove off the side of the driveway and ended up hitting a tree at the end of the driveway. I had installed a camera on the exterior so I could get these shots and the last image I saw was Papa’s white ass running down the street away from the house.

 

I quickly went into the house and removed my randy snake buddies and grabbed their mobile friends out of Papa’s car on the way out. I will check the video later when Papa will undoubtedly bring the police back by his house to see…..nothing. I hit reply to his email:

 

“I’m just getting started.

 

Simon”

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