11:35 am
No Q&A today, I have something for you that is way more valuable, free advice. As always, choose to ignore at your own painful peril. There are two things you should never ever do. Quite simply, don’t fuck with Simon and don’t fuck with anyone Simon cares about. Both of these actions will bring a level of consequences that you couldn’t possibly imagine. I bring this up because both of these things are happening now so fair warning. When your limbs start not being attached to your body any longer, don’t go crying to the rage, he likes the sound of begging while he is working almost as much as he likes hearing Britney.
To prove this salient point, let’s meet Lima. This poor unfortunate soul had the misfortune to fuck up while Simon was angry. Call it fate, karma, or just plain old bad luck, Lima’s, to pick this time to demonstrate the consequences of one’s actions. Lima actually deserves all of the attention the rage will be paying him shortly because this brain donor actually did volunteer to be a guest. I told you that I drive aggressively, not like a dick, big difference. If I am on a 3-lane surface road approaching a red light and there is a lane with no cars in it, I take that lane. I am not looking at my cell phone or texting, when the light turns green I let the rage go and he takes off like a top fuel drag racer. I already told you our chase vehicle is a generic vehicle, no high-performance machine, bone stock. Properly driven though, it will keep up with most vehicles on the road because most drivers simply don’t drive like the rage does. Well, Lima was driving a muscle car and he must have taken offense to the rage’s style because he made a point to come racing up next to us, gunning his car when he was next to us like a toddler with an ice cream jumping up and down, “look at me, look at me”. Ok, I’ll give him that, fast car, someone to play with, right? Nope, Lima wanted to try to aggravate us I guess so when we were coming up to the next red light aiming at the open lane, this headliner for tomorrow’s obituary pulled over in front of us at the last minute. Ok, have your fun, show me the big bad replacement for your penis, but Lima had another objective. He was busy making reservations and you know the Chateau always has a vacancy. The light turned green and he just sat there. I was watching him and his eyes never left his rear-view mirror while he was smiling at us. The light turned yellow and right before changing to red, Lima goes squealing through the intersection. No vetting will be required, Lima has an open reservation. We have all the video we need and will be making contact shortly.
By the way, double karma for Lima. There was a cop sitting adjacent to Lima at the red light to his right and witnessed the whole event and then he went and introduced himself to Lima. I smiled, honked, and threw my arm out the window for a nice wave as we went by. The rage hasn’t been this happy since the blow torch.